Something was off.
Something didn't feel right. Suddenly I looked around in the midst of trying to fill my brain and my life with just one more thing and I realized I was way out of balance, but I didn't know why.
So I paused, Opened to Grace, and let it all go.
I took my tush to the cush and sat down to meditate, only this time it wasn't actually meditation. This time it was inquiry into what I was trying to stuff down and hold back by filling myself with all the needless chatter. What was I keeping from myself.
Hello, self? What do you need to say?
When you ask yourself something like that with the intention to just listen to what you actually need instead of judging it or pushing it away anymore, it's remarkable what immediately comes up. For me it was some deep decisions about the direction of my life and some future steps that I'd been letting prematurely stress me out. I can't say I was surprised, I knew I was stressed over it. But I was surprised by the space in my heart and mind when I took the time to just listen instead of plan plan plan. With the space, I was able to let go. I let go of needing to take any steps right now or of even needing to make a decision.
After a deep sigh and a feeling of relief, I reminded myself, as always of the need for more nurturing. More listening to myself in my frustrations and my fatigue and honoring both.
Honoring those is more challenging than just listening in general. But one way I'm attempting to do that is by giving myself a voice and making time for OUTput. Time to journal, blog or connect with friends and family and tell them what's in my heart. Time for my inner child and my inner stressed out mom to air their concerns, get a little love, and feel validated in all my experiences.
In this world, we are offered many chances to consume. Many ways to bury our thoughts and feelings, or to numb them out. But we also have many chances to let go of that consumption and move into deeper relationship with ourselves and others. When we give voice to all parts equally we start to live in a more whole heart space. That is where healing can happen, and where life can feel more easy and free. I'm trying to be there as much as possible, knowing that it's always a shifting dance.
Contemplation: What do consumption and letting go have in common for me?