Friday, March 30, 2012

Up for Grabs

I feel like my whole life is up for grabs right now. My yoga is changing, my body is changing in powerful ways, I am remaking many of my relationships, we are even selling our house and moving into a different one. I left Anusara. I dropped a class from my teaching schedule. My massage therapist moved away and the other just had a baby. And in coaching I am tackling deep down traits and habits that have been ingrained since childhood.

Remarkably my marriage is intact and stronger than ever, thank the good Goddess - and money keeps coming, thank you Shakti Ma. I am not pregnant except with my new/old/True Self.

It is precarious and uncomfortable. I can see how it can be hopeful and exciting too. But I'm not really there full time yet.

And so I'm quiet. (did you notice the lack of postings? yeah, I get private when I'm transitioning. I hope to be better about that)

This being - not "with" but - smack-dab in the middle of transformation and unknown... this is uncomfortable. I'm noticing how out of practice I am at riding uncertainty - at saying "I don't know." At risking without knowing what the outcome will be. At being goal-less in some ways other than doing my best in the present moment. My yoga is rusty at those kind of endeavors - on the flipside, it is a place of comfortable stability which is needed as everything else shifts.

Breathing into uncertainty. Leaning into it, lingering in uncertainty is a skill I'm starting to think about. I won't say "embrace" just yet, but at least I'm contemplating cultivating it. I'm recognizing it as important.

Evolve or die say microorganisms
Evolve or go extinct/become irrelevant say dinosaurs
Evolve or become ones' parents - repeating the same old family patterns
Dry up and whither away

It is a good place to be, this stripping away to the barebones of my existence.
Everything is up for contemplation and re-configuring. May I be graceful within this uncertain time.
May it teach me again that Nothing is Fixed - may I embrace the dance.

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