It's time to let it out. It's time to start talking. To start showing how you feel. All of this keeping it in -in your head is crazy-making. It's time for you to boldly step forward into feeling your feelings and letting them be known.
I can see how much you are fighting. Is it that they are not allowed? Anger, Fear, Shame, Guilt, Sadness? Are they allowed to be a part of your repertoire? If not, you know you are denying an enormous part of your human existence. Time to let that start to come out.
The way emotions work is a lot like a faucet. Best when unclogged and freed up to flow easily. If you try to block the cold eventually the hot will be blocked too.
You can't experience joy until you allow your sadness and anger to move out of the way.
Again, there's no one to be but you. But it's time to really BE YOU. Full force. Angry, messy, wonder-filled, joy filled. Turn off the mute button to your feelings and let them flow.
And here's some Ben Folds Five to encourage you.... (no idea why there are fraggles, but OK)