It is still somewhat early in this second pregnancy. I'm getting close to second trimester, but I consider the entirety of the first trimester to be 'early' pregnancy. Especially since I haven't told everyone I know, or broadcast this pregnancy to the world just yet. (these posts are still hidden at time of this writing)
The early time of pregnancy, the early time of motherhood too is pretty much about turning your life upside down and surrendering to forces way outside of your control. A new being has taken residence in your life and it makes itself known almost from the instant of conception.
I've been thinking of it this morning as a sort-of possession that happens. Kind of like the exorcist really. There is something, more accurately someONE, literally inside of me creating all kinds of changes and wrecking havoc with my sense of normalcy and there's really nothing to be done about it since I do actually want this person to come to life fully.
In the Tantric yoga philosophy I've been studying there is a word for this kind of deep full possession by Spirit: Samavesha. In one description Samavesha is like being intoxicated. If you drink wine and become drunk -- you are intoxicated by the wine and the wine has a hold on you. In much the same way, this philosophy says we are intoxicated by Spirit, without our having to do anything. Spirit intoxicates us and we are infused with it. We are possessed by Spirit and possessing of Spirit simultaneously.
In early pregnancy, Spirit immediately and immanently intoxicates the blob of cells that will become my child. AND, in turn, it is as if I am being intoxicated by this new being. Literally - it feels TOXIC - maybe because it really is a foreign creature living inside of me. He or She is possesses me entirely, I pretty much have no control.
And the new life, cell building stage is so wildly powerful in this early pregnancy stage that at times I feel that I'm being dragged underwater. My awareness is split. I'm here with you, and I'm eternal, engaged in the deep mystery of life that I cannot possibly fathom.
In Meditation for the Love of It, Sally Kempton describes a similar mental space. When Spirit starts to call her towards meditation she is in her world, but she starts to become sleepy or starts to feel a pull into deeper experience. Spirit literally beckons us into deeper experience, into meditation, as we become more and more fluent in going there.
Same same with pregnancy. I am pulled into awareness of the living cells expanding inside of me. There are moments when keeping my eyes open, or my attention in the moment feels literally impossible. I sleep or I zone out, but it's more than simple physical needs being met - there is an invisible force bringing me into deep relationship with the Eternal mystery of life.
This is a potent spiritual time of deep possession, early pregnancy. And I don't think enough is said about it. Maybe the physical discomfort turns women away from exploration of the deeper layers of the experiencing. Either way, I'm trying to navigate both - the real physical discomfort and the gift that is this direct intervention of Spirit and Life in my body.