Timing is everything.
We've been in waiting mode and suddenly with the swipe of a pen we're in hurry up mode. (The exact opposite of hurry-up and wait mode) It's totally unnerving. Our house that is. We've got to be out in 21 days - 7 of which we'll be on vacation, and 8 of the following my husband will be working full-time (which for him means 14-20 hour days) leaving about 6 days to figure this out. So, I'm not sure how it's going to happen, but I'm definitely leaving this house and swiftly. And now that it's finally under contract, I'm sad. This is real.
I've been doing some wondering lately, why did the AY breakdown happen when it did in my life? I mean, why was I always just to the outside of the whole thing? I didn't start with AY teacher training, I did a Hatha one and so didn't start Immersions until later. Then I took a year off while I was pregnant and was a new-mother, so that delayed my entire process more. And then, last winter I listened to my inner guides and didn't push myself hard towards Certification. Even as late as this winter as I started to gear up for training and workshops, something inside told me NOT to plan to go to Miami (which came right as the controversy heated up).
It's so strange to me. Why was I the representative in RVA... and yet not. Why was I always just a step removed? And by the same token, why did I meet Todd almost immediately after I was aware of my intent to move down this path? His name spoke out to me and I didn't know him from anyone else. I remember my first teacher saying "Todd is good. Todd's good" How was I so aware that getting close to JF would've been impossible?
It's an interesting contemplation. All I can think is: I'm too soft and sensitive to go through what those on the more inner rings are going through with this dissolution. and. It is meant to be as it is meant to be. I needed the knowledge, the community, the teachers, the friends... and now I'm supposed to go forward and make of it what I will.
Shortly after the meltdown began I had a dream of my teachers. I was in one room taking asana with my co-teacher here in town, and a very long gone spirit-guide of a friend. And my teachers were there seated in a separate room together teaching from their seats. We were in a house not a studio and the floors were uneven, sloped actually. The dream felt important. Every person present is an important person in my life and we were all there Doing asana. Anyway, I don't know why I mention it except to say that I do think I was and am where I am meant to be.
Where I will go from here is pretty unclear. It comes in small phrases that make sense in a big bold change the world kind of way, but not in a clearly delineated path kind of way. And actually, that's ok.
Funny. With this new house that we bought on a whim and will now finally be moving into in 21 days or less. Same thing. Suddenly a voice inside told me to move to Wilmington. I thought of the city in NC. Guess what the name of my new street will be?
I am where I need to be. I am going where I need to go. The destination is unclear and may not be even the point. There is barely a map save the tiny little voice of my heart. And, I think, it's all ok.