Sunday, February 12, 2012


tearing out stitch by stitch

I have been working on a blanket for my daughter's bed since summer. The thing is huge: wider than my wingspan - so, it is wider than it needs to be to fit across her bed as planned. It's really pretty, a soft white wool yarn with yellow stripes. All crocheted together in a granny stitch.
I can't tell you how many hours I've spent on that blanket since I started it in July. I just pick it up and work on it from time to time when Babe wants me to sit with her watching kiddie TV, or when I have a few minutes before I have to walk in to pick her up from school. HOURS have gone into this blanket. More than a few.

It became pretty clear to me a while ago that it wasn't going to work out. The thing is just too too huge. It's too wide to make sense. And since my original plan was for it to become a blanket for her bed, I started looking at it and seeing that OMG it was going to take literally millions of hours of work and tons of yarn. This was going to be the most expensive blanket a child would ever own.

This week I started ripping it out. I've been pulling the yarn back through every stitch I made, strand by strand. Somehow, this just seemed like the week to pull something apart.

So, you may know, Anusara is under real strain as is John Friend. I don't know how it's going to come out and quick solution is not forthcoming. And now, lots and lots of teachers are jumping ship. I spent about 30 minutes today believing my teacher Todd was among them which was my biggest test of faith yet. He still could go. Plenty more still could and probably will. (and I recognize my issues surrounding having deep trust and faith in my own teacher in the midst of controversy about teacher/student ethics)

I am wickedly learning a lot in this swift cut of Grace. What is giving me faith is the interim committee. Not just the fact that Anusara has one, but I'm looking at it and seeing who is on it. Who is it? The absolute Elders of this system -- both in time in Anusara, and in calendar years. And it is the elders who have, thus far, stayed on the committee. I know Todd and Ann have been through this before -- they were a part of Kripalu when the shit went down there.

I just had this conversation the other day with a friend about the lack of elders in our society right now. It's why I have a life coach and have been in therapy before. Our society is just not set up with elders. So right now I'm keeping hope and faith in the elders I trust and believe in -- and that John is hopefully starting to listen to.

Time will show us. I'm also following Todd's advice to "do your sadana every day." And right now I'm waiting to see as I'm tearing the blanket apart stitch from stitch. Trying to stay in reflection rather than reaction.

When I get back to the first row I'll start it up again in a smaller more manageable size. Babe will still get a blanket, just not what she expected. A new baby came into my world (via a friend thank goodness!) this week so instead of one huge blanket I now envision two. Not what I thought was going to happen, but beautiful nonetheless. Sometimes, taking something apart is the best way to make it into what it's meant to be.

1 comment:

Eliza Tobin said...

Sarah thank you for sharing your thoughts in such a beautiful, real and raw way. You are brave and lovely and I'm sending you love, support and gratitude for being in these questions and uncertainties...and I'm also gonna take the advice that Todd gave you and do my sadhana every day. much love to you!