One of the points that I really value and enjoy about Tantric philosophy is that it makes space for paradox. That is, Tantra makes room for you to be all things at once. You can work and play, you can be still and dynamic, you can be angry and kind, you can be joyful and sorrowful all at the same time. You can do it ALL, and BE it all. All at once, and Tantra says that's ok, it's actually important, just start to ride the middle too. (For Bernie Birney's awesome and funny take on Tantric Paradox in a yoga teacher see her recent blog post.)
It's a good thought on days like today, and most every other day. Days when I feel one thing and another all at once. I feel better within the holding space of paradox to know I'm ok.
Today's practice was like many others that have bigger outcomes. I didn't feel like getting started. I seriously just didn't want to change clothes and move around etc. But, eventually I did. And with some quietly inspiring music and the intention to Open to whatever She wants to teach me, I found myself dancing with heart reminders of 'Peace' then "Peaceful Strength" then "Dedication/Devotion" with certain people jumping to mind.
When I finally landed in Savasana I landed in my heart. I felt both a deep longing for my teachers, for my parents, for my kula and at the same time a deep well spring of love for and from all of those people. Both existed at the same time. Total sadness to be separate. And a completely filling Love, knowing that the physical distance does not mean we are at all separate. It is a strange sensation at first, to recognize feeling both intense longing and a strong current of love at the same time directed towards the same people. But once I eased in and allowed myself to feel both... a deep peace settled in, I breathed a sigh, and it's ok.
That's why I love the paradox. I don't have to be one or the other, to feel one or the other. I can ride the wave of both and rest in the peace in the middle.
Contemplations: When have I experienced two seemingly conflicting emotions? What does Paradox hold for me?