Asking my Head, Asking my Heart

Confusion exists only to bring clarity.

Clarity exists only before the next confusion.

Can you be in the unknown and pulse between both Gracefully?

--Thoughts from the YTT last year

My thought for this year is to live in and from my heart. To at once place my heart in the center and on the outside of the circle of my awareness and to offer love as best I can.

Aside from that, in the last week I've felt sort-of clueless as to how to proceed on my own path in a nuts and bolts way. In the last year I finished Anusara YTT and earned Anusara-Inspired status. I also taught my first workshop and series classes. The logical next step in my career is to high tail it as fast as I can to workshops and trainings with John Friend so that I can apply for the Certification process. There isn't a Certified teacher around, and in some way I feel a real duty to move quickly towards Certification to officially bring Anusara to town. While I know I want to be Certified, I honestly don't quite feel ready to take the next steps. Now what?

Not knowing my next step is a very weird, unfamiliar, and unwelcome feeling to me. I usually have a goal I am adamantly working towards. I usually have an inner guidance and outer structure propelling me forward to complete many tasks on a path towards ultimate fulfillment or at least recognizable achievement (like my Master's Degree). And so, finding myself in the realm of questions, in the realm of not knowing, of asking again until it is clear was surprising and somewhat unsettling.

What was wonderful was that being in that place of question without answer I was offered many opportunities to go to my heart. To ask my heart repeatedly: What do you want to do here? What feels right and authentic and real as a next step?

A friend and teaching buddy of mine shared this question by Abraham (she thinks) with me as a contemplation: What do you want and why do you want it? Seriously, in your life in this moment... What do you want and why do you want it? If I ask my head these things I get a lot of logical answers .. I want to work hard towards Anusara Certification because it is the next step in my career path and because we don't have a Certified teacher here. I want to study with John a lot more because I have so much to learn to live up to the standard of being a teacher in this community. I want to go to advanced YTT with Todd this summer because it is a stepping stone towards Certification. I want to push my practice further because I am the leader in this kula and my practice needs to shine. I want to work work work very hard because it is what I DO. When I answered in those ways I felt that it was right and real, but also that it wasn't what I truly wanted right now. I DO very very very much want to become Certified, and will. I also don't want to wait very long.

But isn't my intent this year to move away from my head as the only guidance system and more to my heart as a guide? So when I asked my heart: What do you want and why do you want it? I got some beautiful, surprising answers that pointed me on a slightly longer path towards Certification. I want to enjoy and deepen my practice this year because I worked so hard last year. I want to play, dance, sing, craft, eat, drink and enjoy because my spirit is ready to soar. I want to let this new loving beautiful creative being out and about in my life because I've done a lot of growing and changing in the last few years and she needs to feel her life as a full on WOMAN/Goddess. I want to go to workshops, be in the kula and do a big 5 days with Todd or John for the FUN of it because I want to reconnect to the fun side of Anusara and my body. I want to deepen my teaching experience before I add on more information in advanced YTT because I've just been throwing SO SO SO much in there that I need time to assimilate and I feel full already. I want to assist Todd and Ann so I can learn from them and feel their loving presence. I want to put energy into the fledgling community that is here with more teachers' practices, more kula jams, bringing in more Certified teachers and more social kula events because this is a very sweet time in our life and I want to know it. And I want some time off from the striving and working so hard so that I can actually ENJOY my life and put energy into my friends and family without picking up to run off to a training all the time. (oh and I want to have another baby sort-of soon).

You may have noticed that the Heart list is a bit longer and more expansive than the Head list. That's probably why my head tries to talk so much and take over. I feel that it is a year for hugging-in after all the expansion, it is a year for really deepening the roots that I've planted. And while it feels weird to say something like "I'm taking a break from trainings," or "I'm NOT going forward full-speed-ahead into Certification", it feels right. So, it must BE right. As an overachiever, goal chaser I struggle with the idea of softening to live in my life not ahead of it. This feels way scarier than running off for trainings and making myself feel super important by all I am doing. Instead, I know from the experience of taking a year off when my daughter was born, time to settle and ruminate and sift through is never time wasted. Time deepening friendships, family ties, and enjoying life is not time lost on some path towards a "goal". It can only enhance and and make the achievement of the goal that much sweeter when it does happen. Not to mention, is the "goal" what is really truly important here anyway? As they say ... Life is a journey, not a destination. So, I think I'll take the scenic path.

Contemplation: What do you want and why do you want it? What does your head say and what does your heart say?

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