Heart in Hand

Recently I've really been craving my teachers.  I realized I haven't been with them in almost a year which is a bit of a challenge.  Part of why I crave being around them is that I feel like I can be totally vulnerable with them and they see, allow, acknowledge, and support me in that.  When my heart is full or heavy I want to be with them.  In tender spots and transformational times I want a trusted guide.

It is kind of like I'm walking into the room holding my heart in my hands saying "Please, take this.  I can't hold it forever.  Please hold this for me while I take a deep breath."

I had that image come to me a few weeks ago and I think it sums things up pretty well.  A moment after that image came to mind I realized I am a teacher too.  Oh My Lord.  And that plenty of people can be walking into the room with me, heart in hand, wishing and hoping for me to take them sweetly, hold on and give support while they sort through whatever must be sorted through.

Holy mother of responsibility.  In that instant I restarted paying very very close attention to what I was offering for each class, and how I was offering it.  There are days and weeks when planning and being prepared appropriately is really really challenging.  I don't teach very many classes, I don't know where the time goes, but it does.  There are times when I am tempted to blow off preparation because I am too tired.  (sometimes I DO blow it off which can be magic or disaster depending on the night!)  But I'm working hard at remembering the importance of this profession even in the midst of whatever may be happening in my personal life.

Many people walk into the room and place their hearts in my hands for safe keeping for the hour and a half.   It is my duty and privelidge and honor to be the holder for them.

 May my hands be open, may my arms be strong, may be heart be always full to overflowing.  And may these lovely souls know the goodness of Love in every moment.

Laughing

I'm really taking humor in the last post about timing.  Timing truly is everything.  I could've written that post a few days later and it would've been even more amazing to me.

At the moment I'm experiencing a whirlwind of Abundance.  And I just keep inviting myself to say Yes.  This is the path of affirmation of everything.  Yes to everything.  This does not mean LIKING everything and allowing everything to continue as it is... but just saying 'yes X is happening'.  Somehow that saying yes is ultimately quite freeing.  Once I allow something to exist I have freedom to choose how to deal with it.  how lovely.

This evening I'm sitting at the beach while my daughter sleeps.  My husband is at home packing more boxes.  Movers arrive on Friday and Babe and I go home on Saturday to the new house instead of the old.  Simultaneously builders demolish a garage and begin working on a new one, and the kitchen guys wanted to come on Friday... will be put off to Monday.  Sunday morning I'll roll out of bed to my mat to teach something to the lovely people I am delighted to see each week.

The world of mine is in a state of total chaotic flux.  and so strangely I'm totally fine.  I'm chill and relaxed.  I'm happy I practice and I'm happy I meditate.  I'm happy I have friends and family who give support in times like this.

I'm just saying Yes and going from there.

Timing

Timing is everything.

We've been in waiting mode and suddenly with the swipe of a pen we're in hurry up mode.  (The exact opposite of hurry-up and wait mode)  It's totally unnerving.  Our house that is.   We've got to be out in 21 days  - 7 of which we'll be on vacation, and 8 of the following my husband will be working full-time (which for him means 14-20 hour days) leaving about 6 days to figure this out.   So, I'm not sure how it's going to happen, but I'm definitely leaving this house and swiftly.  And now that it's finally under contract, I'm sad.   This is real.

I've been doing some wondering lately, why did the AY breakdown happen when it did in my life?  I mean,  why was I always just to the outside of the whole thing?  I didn't start with AY teacher training, I did a Hatha one and so didn't start Immersions until later.  Then I took a year off while I was pregnant and was a new-mother, so that delayed my entire process more.  And then, last winter I listened to my inner guides and didn't push myself hard towards Certification.  Even as late as this winter as I started to gear up for training and workshops, something inside told me NOT to plan to go to Miami (which came right as the controversy heated up).

It's so strange to me.  Why was I the representative in RVA... and yet not.  Why was I always just a step removed?  And by the same token, why did I meet Todd almost immediately after I was aware of my intent to move down this path?  His name spoke out to me and I didn't know him from anyone else.  I remember my first teacher saying "Todd is good.  Todd's good"   How was I so aware that getting close to JF would've been impossible?

It's an interesting contemplation.  All I can think is:  I'm too soft and sensitive to go through what those on the more inner rings are going through with this dissolution.  and.  It is meant to be as it is meant to be.  I needed the knowledge, the community, the teachers, the friends... and now I'm supposed to go forward and make of it what I will.

Shortly after the meltdown began I had a dream of my teachers.  I was in one room taking asana with my co-teacher here in town, and a very long gone spirit-guide of a friend.  And my teachers were there seated in a separate room together teaching from their seats.  We were in a house not a studio and the floors were uneven, sloped actually.  The dream felt important.  Every person present is an important person in my life and we were all there Doing asana.  Anyway, I don't know why I mention it except to say that I do think I was and am where I am meant to be.

Where I will go from here is pretty unclear.  It comes in small phrases that make sense in a big bold change the world kind of way, but not in a clearly delineated path kind of way.  And actually, that's ok.

Funny.  With this new house that we bought on a whim and will now finally be moving into in 21 days or less.  Same thing.  Suddenly a voice inside told me to move to Wilmington.  I thought of the city in NC.  Guess what the name of my new street will be?

Wilmington.

I am where I need to be.  I am going where I need to go.  The destination is unclear and may not be even the point.  There is barely a map save the tiny little voice of my heart.  And, I think, it's all ok.

Magic of 3

This is what I have to say.  In person is where it's at.  In front of a screen or by text or by phone are poor substitutes.  (at least, though by phone you're having a real time interaction).

This week I've been doing a bunch of Yogaglo classes.  Something about the 100+ degree heat made it impossible for my body/mind organism to feel capable of spontaneously coming up with my own practices.  Something about the heat also made me feel like I was in desperate need of connection.  I needed someone else to tell me what to do.  I needed to hear and feel someone else in the room with me as I meandered through the poses.  I needed a lot of ME to fight the loneliness of being un-alone with my 3 year old all week.

The classes were great.  (I'm particular to Marc Holzman and Tara Judelle right now).  My body thanked me for every single moment I applied the UPAs to it with deep love. And I was truly happy to have a skilled teacher in my studio space for 90 minutes more than once this week.

But.

Something was missing.  I turned off the practice and it was done.  Over.  No after class conversation, no personal connection or hug for to the teacher in gratitude for the revelation. Dead empty nothingness.  Feeling even more dull because of the lack of screen flicker.

There is a magic that exists when we're in the room together.  Lila taught it recently as the mysterious 3rd entity.  There's you.  There's me.  And there's the magic between us.  (Shiva/Shakti, Divine Grace, biomagnetic field, whatever).  But it's there, no mistaking.

It's what's missing right now. Real honest to goodness messy-as-all-get-out human contact.  Well, it's missing in my life.

I've been craving my teachers lately.  They're pretty silent in the cyber world.  They do have a website and facebook, but they don't blog or have teleconferences or anything.  I love the newsletters.  But being in the room with them - it's like being washed in Grace.  Or with Lila last time she came, the morning after a long soul revealing conversation I awoke to clear skin, sparkling eyes, and comments that I was 'goddess-like.'

She would by no means call herself a master.  But she's further along than I am, more deeply steeped.  And it literally rubs off from her, from them.  I am shined up by being with them.

Right now, I'm missing that, and being here in front of the screen just isn't giving me the same glow.

The magic of 3.  You Me Grace.  It's important.

Trying Again

"Some men give up their designs when they have almost 

reached the goal; while others on the contrary, 

obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, 

more vigorous efforts than ever before." - Herodotus 

I had a few moments between errands some days ago and found myself by the small lakes in a park nearby.  The park has had a big problem with an over population of somewhat aggressive geese. So the city of Richmond hired dogs (and their handlers) to scare the geese away and open up the park for visitors again.  When I was there only two goose families remained, staying most likely because the new babies couldn't fly away just yet.  I sat on a bench to feed my senses on nature and watched these cute little families.

While I was sitting a few people walked the perimeter of the lakes with their dogs.  And those poor geese families!  Each time a dog would come by the goose parents would take their little goslings out of the grass where they were foraging and into the lake.  Down they'd all go... plop plop plop.  And they'd swim for a moment or two, long enough for the sweet doggies to walk by and then everyone would head back up the bank for more time on the lawn.

Both families did it for each of the dogs I saw.  But what touched me about these little moments was the transition back out of the water.  There isn't a simple bank, and there are no goose steps for the little ones. Without wings they cannot fly out of the lake either.  So, one by one, they came to the edge and then jumped and hurled their little bodies up onto the brick edging. And, to be honest, sometimes they didn't make it.  Plop! back into the lake they went -- only to have to try again.  Repeatedly!

The thing is, they did not have the option to give up.  The little ones could not stay in the water.  They had to get out to eat and rest.  And the parents could not pick them up and help them (not having hands or anything).  So one parent would go on ahead with the first babies up and the second would wait as each little gosling made as many attempts as needed to get back up onto the grass.

I thought that was an excellent example of kind, patient, and empowering parenting.

It's also a bit how I feel as a teacher.  And a good lesson for me as a student as well.  As teacher it is the reminder that I hope to guide my students where they want to go and where I imagine they could go.  It is, in fact, my job to believe in them and support them in doing more than they believe they possibly can.  While at the same time, the students must do for themselves.  I cannot stick them in the pose or put them into deep meditation or wake them up -- they must do it.

And on the flip-side, as student/practitioner and life-liver,  the geese remind me to JUST KEEP TRYING.  It matters not how many attempts, but the love, attention, attitude, and dedication I put into each one.  It matters not how long it takes, or even if I totally reach my goal.  It matters about what goes in to getting there.  The goal is never where the learning is, the process of reaching it is what reveals truth to me.  For me, it's easy to quit when the going gets, not even tough, but just slightly uncomfortable.  The geese remind me to keep at it.  (and thank goodness, most of what I'm encountering isn't life and death survival as it is for the little goslings).

So, I'm coming back at it.  Making a point of crawling back out from under the rock I've been living in to start blogging again.  Partially, I miss the communication (even if just limited) that I get when I blog. But also, because I do so much personal digestion, articulation, and reflection through the blog that I've been feeling unmoored without it.  The attempts may be messy and I might miss the mark, but back I come.
With Love.

Teenaged Dreams

Oh the teenage days...

A few weeks ago I went on a long full trip down memory lane.  I dove way in, down to my high school and early college years.  Back to lost loves and big developments in my life.  All the times and things that dragged on my heart then. I totally indulged myself in remembering the 'dramas' of the time.  To the point that I pulled out my journals and re-read them, feeling once again (and even for the first time) the depth and full richness of my sheltered teenaged life in small city America.  Think, a very mild version of My-so-called-Life and you've got my teenage years.  (And yes, it was the 90s, so there was flannel)

A lot of times in yoga I've heard the instruction to go back to being like a kid again.  Even in life development readings and affirmations there is this directive to live life somewhat like a very responsible child.  To have a beginner's mind, to see things fresh, to ask 'why', to be warm and welcoming, to be playful, and to see with wonder the world around us are all reasons given for living with the mindset of a child.   I definitely learn to enjoy my life more and more by watching how my daughter fully enters in and finds the fun in every situation.

I get all of that.  Plus, to live as a child invites a certain innocence that adolescence certainly doesn't have any more.  So, I'll not throw away that instruction.

But, I think there could be an addendum.  Why not also live from the heart of a teenager?  Again, it would be the adult version of a teenager -- so less hormone driven, clearly thinking, aware of responsibility/consequences.  But once those things are lined up, the teenage mindset is quite different from adulthood or childhood.

For me it centered around the Arts,  Love, Passion, and Friendship.  When I was a teenager I spent my days learning, dancing, singing, playing piano, writing, deeply engaged in creativity AND deeply loving and enjoying my friends and boyfriends.  My friends and I were on to something in 10th grade when we used to sit all over each other saying we weren't DOing anything, instead we were BEing.  As a teenager I was living by FEELING, and was creatively expressing my innermost soul every single day.  Not to mention, I still believed anything and everything was possible for me and everyone else. I still had no built in set of rules for how my life would turn out but instead just trusted that it WOULD turn out.

Can all of that be so bad?

As an adult it is easy to get caught up in the responsibilities and the regularity of my day to day life.  And that can lead to numbing out.  And so what I've been inviting myself into is a clear and deliberate cultivation of more Creativity in my life, no matter what form it takes.  I've invited more passion and more feeling.  And I'm inviting a fuller engagement driven by how my Heart/Soul is speaking to me in the moment.  That's what the Tantra's always been offering, and again I'm seeing it.

I feel like a long forgotten/hidden part of me is reawakening, and I'm loving it.

So I think yes, it all has to happen at once, all iterations of me must stand forward.  The child. The adult .  And the teenager.  After all, this is MY so-called-life, better live it to the fullest.

Pep Talk

Dear One-


     What I want you to know is, you have everything you need to engage with your life beautifully.  And you need everything you have.  You were brought into this world totally complete.  There is nothing missing, nothing to take away. There is no one else you need to be.

You have all the skills and the knowledge and the courage and the willpower to do what it is it feels you cannot.  You have it inside of you already.  The challenge feels hard.  It feels un-doable.  I know. I also know you can do it.  I absolutely believe in you.


"This is easy for you"  you may say.  It can be just as easy for you, my friend.  Just as many backslides and missteps.  Just as many excuses and copouts.  What appears "easy" is really a hard earned and abundantly reinforced Habit.  It is fought for continuously, less I slide back towards where I repeatedly choose not to go.

You already have what you need, that's the thing.  You can do it, you could've done it many times over.  And when you care enough,  when the agony is unbearable enough,  when it feels important enough to you to Choose to step in a new direction, you will do it.  You are totally equipt for this particular and unique life you are living.

I've got your back.  Take that giant step when you are ready.  I've TOTALLY got your back!

with love,
Me.